Story 3 -

My Story – Rob Dolson, CD (Warrant Officer-retired)

I know this is a little late Bruno, but sometimes when you must reflect on your life and relive some stuff writing is hard! Now that I am retired, I feel a lot less weight and feel so more relaxing telling this story on paper!

I will begin on the day that changed Capt. Trevor Greene’s life, Soldiers in 1 section, 1 Platoon, A Coy (Red Devils) 1 Bn PPCLI and of course my life and career. March 4th 2006, was really like no other while serving in Afghanistan, our section was doing leader engagements with various villages throughout of AO and on the way back to our Platoon FOB we decided to stop on this one village because this place actually had shade, grass and we though what a peaceful place! That didn’t last long, once the village elders arrived with a group of people from the village, we started the Sura and within minutes a 14 yr. Afghan boy pulled out an axe (hatchet sized) and struck Trevor in the head. After that all hell broke lose as we started to take fire from the village and to put a long story short (or for another day) the section plus soldier fought for 3 hours and Trevor was transported to KAF for medical attention.

This is where my world turned upside down. At first, I was not sleeping but I didn’t really think anything about it and continued with my job. It started getting harder to keep focused moving forward, but my leave was coming up and because my wife was pregnant when I deployed but know my daughter was born 5 days before Trevor was attacked and all I wanted to do was get home to see them both. I have a problem with suppressing my feelings and emotions to make sure people don’t worry about me and I tried to use humour to hide away the pain and I tend to focus on other things and ignore the struggle going inside my head. Once I got home on leave was so difficult for me. It was so different from what I was doing for the last few months and it was hard for me to relax. Since I had a newborn in the house it was very easy for me to hide my lack of sleeping because I would get up with my daughter in the middle of the night. This is where I noticed I couldn’t be around people or big groups.

After my leave, I was travelling in a convoy back to our new FOB and the convoy broke off into two separate convoys and a few minutes after the two spit the other convoy hit a IED not far from us and all I could thing is yup we are back. After the IED, I notice my symptoms were getting worse as I was again not sleeping at all and when going out on patrol I didn’t want to go because I felt I was good enough to lead my section and that I could get them hurt or killed and that I couldn’t protect them. A big thought that kept going through my mind was that if I couldn’t protect Trevor how could I protect my newborn daughter? Well my Platoon Commander became aware of issues and he finally confronted me, and I broke down. I was at my breaking point and I guess I needed someone to say or ask how I was doing. I thought that this is where things would get easier, boy was I wrong.

The Platoon Commander called in a Social worker and he recommended that I go back to Kandahar Airfield for some counselling. Once back at KAF, I sat down with the American counselors there and everything was going well. Once the CO returned from his leave, that’s where everything turned. I think he personally disliked me because of comments I said in a Toronto Star article where the report asked me if the training leading up to our deployment was good enough and being a sometimes to honest guy I said no and it could have been better since now we see what we were dealing with in country. Leadership is what can help or hurt someone dealing with PTSD. The fact that it seemed a personal dislike from the Chain of Command affected certain decisions being made against me. In KAF, 3 other soldiers were going through the same issues I was due to the attack on Trevor and the CoC thought I was influencing those soldiers from what I was told from trusted leadership, which wasn’t the truth at all. We were harassed at every turn with little support from our Coy, due to the CO and RSM shutting them down when they tried to help.

The decision to send me home was an interesting story, and this is the first incident where I seen how the CoC was out to hinder our recovery. I was pulled into the American ( the rank of Major) counselors office and he just had a meeting with the CO and said to me “I am recommending that you go home because I think he is out to get you and it would be in your best interest and heath to go”. After that, I had a meeting with the RSM and this was the first time in days, maybe in over week that anyone outside of the Coy leadership talked to us or even asked how we were doing. All the meeting was about was to see if I would go home or not. I was asked what I wanted to do and I asked what would be my job here if I stayed and if I could go back to my platoon and the answer was not likely and that I would be tasked with following around and watch local Afghan’s cleaning the washrooms in KAF. Sorry, but if I couldn’t return to my platoon after sorting out my head, then I was going to do guard duty for 2 months while my friends were going out there day after day risking their life without me. I wouldn’t be able to bare the emotions if someone in my former section was hurt, so I said send me home then. If that makes me a quitter, I don’t know what else I could have done to change that situation. After that meeting, I learned that the RSM went to the smoking area behind the HQ building and with peers and soldiers of lower rank out there also began to call me a coward and a quitter to all can hear. This was communicated to me by someone who was there and of higher rank then me, so why would believe it since they were out to get me. This same RSM made sure the other 3 soldiers that came with me, also with mental health issues was on gate guard duty 18 hrs a day until the issue was brought up with the camp Sgt Major that these troops need to eat, sleep and go to there mental health counsellor appointments and then it was change when the RSM was outside the wire. When we were finally sent home no one was notified rear party back home that we were coming back, one of the soldier’s girlfriend called the rear party and asked if any transport was laid on for the guys coming back and the answer was what guys? Now this could be down to someone just forgetting, but somehow, I don’t think that was it. We were made to feel like we were just thrown away, shamed and all I thought was “We take care of our own” yeah right, Leadership!

Once back in Canada, the rear party was great and understand what was needed to be done and I attend regular mental health appointments. Those appointments had issues to start because back in 2006 I was mostly spending those sessions explaining what KAF was, What an IED was and it seemed very difficult to get healthy, so I just closed myself off. Also, I was hearing from friends back in Afghanistan that the rumours were running wild about what happened to me and of course the quitter word was coming out which I expected because if the CoC thought that then why not the troops. It hurt more when I started to here it from guys within my platoon that patted my on the back and said they had my back saying things about me, which when they returned I called them out about it and confirmed the fact that that’s what they were told. Once the BN returned from Afghanistan and from leave, I was sent to the Kit Shop as a place that would be good for me, as I was told, but we all know who gets sent there. The leadership there was also great, but the stigma was still there, and the verbal harassment didn’t end from the CoC. Little comments here and there every time they entered the shop was just the start and when I was being looked at to go on my Warrant Officers course I was sat down and asked if I really need to go on the course. I didn’t think I was healthy enough to go on a course like that, but I got the impression they were pressuring me to turn it down and since I had already seen what happens when you don’t do what they want, I didn’t go. Now it was all doom and gloom, as a few senior Officers came and talked to me and wanted to get me back on the horse but I freely admit I don’t think I was ready and the whole quitter talk made me start to believe that maybe I was!

I started to see less and less friends and when people where telling me time and time again that I was going to be kicked out and that I would never command troops again, I filed a claim with VA and if anyone has done one with your injury being PTSD you know the stigma that comes with that. I was scared with what people were telling me and the fact that I had a 1-year old daughter and didn’t know what to do financially, so I filed the claim and when people found out about that the isolated was even worse. A new CoC came into the Bn and things eased for awhile and I was getting better and when the new RSM asked for volunteer’s to be posted, I jumped at it. I was posted to the Infantry School, Gagetown, New Brunswick in 2009 and it started off great! No one knew my history and everyone treated me like everyone else and yes I was teaching young Officers for the Army, it wasn’t commanding troops, but just as good and rewarding. I ended up going on my Infantry Warrants Course and passed, so another obstacle completed successfully. Everything was going good until 3 -4 years later when posting season back to an Infantry Battalion was on the cards. I thought the whole issues were behind me, but I guess certain people in the Regiment didn’t let it go. I was first going to the 1st Bn in Edmonton then a few weeks later it would get cancelled, then the next year I was again going to the 1st Bn but then a few weeks later it was moved to 2nd Bn in Manitoba and then cancelled. I am sure they would come up with a reason why because of funding etc. but again I found out later there was more to the story. I lost it! I couldn’t believe this was still following me, so I talked to a few of our Regimental reps in Gagetown and explained everything and they were great men and awesome leaders. They took up the cause of getting me back to Edmonton and thankfully I was sent back to the 3rd Bn in Edmonton in 2015, but it took 6 years to do it, which would normally take 3-4. I found out later that a few leaders (MWO’s) in the 1st Bn went to the RSM of the Bn at the time and she they thought it would be in my best interest/get a fair shake if I don’t go to that Bn, but since I was a WO the only people who won’t me a far shake would be those Senior Leaders, so again I was being judged due to my medical condition even though at the Infantry School my Performance Evaluation Reviews were excellent.

Being back in Edmonton was great! I was in the best Bn in the Regiment, In the best company (Mountain) with some great soldiers and I was a Platoon Warrant Officer! Yes, another obstacle checked off the list and I was loving life, so I thought. I suppressed my symptoms again because I thought the only way, I could prove all those haters wrong was to show no weakness, but between the drinking once the family went to bed and the pain meds, I struggled a lot. What drove me was hate and anger towards the people that kept me down and once I was back at the Bn, not having that hate to drive me my PTSD symptoms took over again. The straw that broke the camels back was the death of my Grandmother. I devastated me emotionally as she was my rock and the only real person I could take to because her brother served in the Second World War and came back with is own demons and she saw them firsthand. I realized I was doing a disservice to the unit and the Bn that took me in as there own, so I asked for a posting to the JPSU and then I received a medical release on 21 June 2019.

I know writing this people will say oh its sour grapes or why now? I say to that is I was scared to say anything because I seen what they can do to you and I seen how stigma can affect a person so strong that they either commit suicide or thing about a lot, so to hide the shame and pain of feeling like you let down everyone. I also want people to know that there are people within the military that actually give a fuck about you and want to help and the haters are now few and far between, but some of my haters still hold power positions within the military which is sad, but again there is a lot less of them. I went from being so low and fought my way back when people said I would never. I would have never been able to do it without my family, friends and some great leaders within the CAF that like I said actually do care about there soldiers, airmen/women and sailors, but in the end I want to say that if your dealing with any kind of mental health issue it needs to be you to make that first step to get better. I remember a Chief Warrant Officer asked me what the CoC could do to help and all I said you can’t until that person wants the help and then be ready to be a leader and help that person no matter what your personally feelings are.

Thank you,

Rob Dolson